Why do I let people in?Why do I let myself get close? Why do I believe them when they tell me things like, "I'll never give up on you, or I won't let you go"? I guess this time it was because she is a therapist and I am supposed to feel safe with her. I'm supposed to be able to trust her with my broken heart. Dammit!! I really did trust her! Why do I do that? I told her how I was hurting again, and she just ignored me. Doesn't she believe me? Doesn't she think that those feelings and pain I describe are real? Maybe she has never felt this pain, although she says she has. Maybe she has walls up of her own...I think she does....maybe she has the ability to just turn it off and not care. Maybe I can learn that. Maybe that is what she is trying to teach me. I do know that if I ever become a therapist, I will never just ignore a client. If I think it's time to move on, I will tell that person instead of just ignoring them and leave it up to their own imagination as to why I'm not talking to them anymore. I hope I will always remember how this feels so that I will never do this to anyone.
Yes, I cut last night. I couldn't stand the pain.
It is like I have conquered some things, fears, doubts, but now I am down to the demons that have been there since childhood. Loneliness, feeling like I am an outcast, not good enough, unlovable. I know she always says not to go by your feelings, but when your feelings and fears are backed up with truth, it reinforces them.
That's it for now. I'm gonna go to sleep.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=v2WWXa2RFes
This video pretty much sums it up for me.
